Last week life was "hard" - thankfully a rare sentiment since arriving in BA but distressing nonetheless. I've finally gotten to the point that I feel capable of communicating my basic needs without the use of my native tongue. yes, i know (though hardly use all) the grammar fundamentals and am now learning more idiomatic expressions, slang, expanding vocabulary and putting my grammar to use in practical situations. so, I felt ready to take on a volunteer commitment - a part of my life from SF that I miss a great deal. of course there are many advantages - potential friends, practicing spanish in a real life environment and connecting myself to the community here. i know from many years of service to non profits in the bay area how rewarding it can be to give time and effort with like minded individuals towards a cause you believe in and hopefully improve the lives of others. all very altruistic and fine sounding. well, i did some research and got a few referrals before deciding on an organization called Fundacion Leer. sister org in the states is Reading Is Fundamental. Their mission is to inspire new generations of readers by setting up reading centers and programs in libraries, community centers, schools etc all over Argentina. They also help parents understand which books are best for children at different ages of development. Perfect. I'm an avid reader. believe in the mission. they focus on the most needy and are a well run, professional group. I interview a few times with their volunteer coordinator and her boss. they are welcoming, gracious and want to match my interests and skills with their needs. (that said, my ability to accurate express my experience and interests was shoddy at best - "i love to read, important to help children, i am happy to do anything, worked for many places such as this") the first time i went to interview, i was impressed and couldn't wait to start. like my first day at school, i was nervous and changed my outfit 3 times. need to look like a portena but not like an extranjera trying to look like a portena. casual but put together. hope they like me. hope i make a friend. hope i remember to use the subjunctive tense at least once. well.... i had this fantasy that i'd make at least 3 new best friends - they'd probably invite me to go out with them that night or the coming weekend, i'd be speaking spanish with ease and with a melodic accent and be helping them devolop and market their annual reading festival - all from day 1 of course. darn fantasies...darn darn darn.
la verdad es que (the truth is) that i left seriously wondering what the hell i'm doing in this country. it was hard. it was humbling. it was boring and it was uncomfortable. my spanish failed me miserably. every time i opened my mouth to say something, all you could hear was a sad stammer of two syllable words in present tense. no sharp observations of the argentine economic malaise. suddenly i was shy. first grade at a new school all over again. worse, all the women who work in this office seem cool, genuinely nice, my age (thereabouts) and energized with their work. they chitchat over cubes and in the hallways constantly, laugh, tell jokes, help each other. meanwhile i was put on the mind numbing task of entering email addresses into an Access spreadsheet. two painful hours later and barely an "hola" from my neighbors, i summoned the courage to tell my "boss" that i couldn't do anymore on the computer. Me duele la cabeza. it was embarassing after i had told her with a smile at the interview that i was happy to do whatever they needed. ok, that was a lie but maybe i lied to myself too. i am not happy to do data entry. and afterwards i punched holes in the cover sheets of an annual report - aghhhhhhhh. in this einsteinian exercise i was at least stationed near the water cooler so had a few exchanges of pleasantries as my imagined friends walked by. god i missed my old job at C.S. ok, maybe not the work part but the comraderie and my friends. the socializing in the halls, the giggling over a too zealous email exchange, the collaboration of ideas. and yes, happy happy hour with Nina at Metropol. when i recounted the experience the following day to my spanish teach David, he smiled and said to me in an excited frenzied tone "this is great! i'm thrilled for you. you are paying your dues. this is what life is like as an immigrant. this is an important step".
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