Maureen Dowd posts an interesting column in the NY Times today about the declining state of happiness among US women. It got me wondering whether my girlfriends in the states seem happier now with kids or before (studies show we are happier pre-babies). Certainly moms complain a lot more than childless women though maybe its just topic based. My friends without kids kavetch about their bosses, stressful lives, not having enough money or the right relationship. My friends with kids all share a longing for more sleep and more time for themselves.
Last week I took Valen to the English speaking playgroup we attend a few times a month. I'd posted a request for a maid referral on the group site when we fired Rosa so a few of the moms wanted to know how the situation panned out. I explained that we'd received a great recommendation from a mom that recently moved back to the US and was trying to help her maid find a new permanent situation. Also named Rosa, she started last week and things are going well. I'd mentioned that the new Rosa is a better cook than the other. She's from Peru and likes to use fresh herbs and spices. Hello delicious ceviche. One of the moms (just moved to Argentina from NY a few months ago) looked at me with wide eyes and blurted:
She COOKS for you?
Yeah.
Like lunch AND dinner?
Usually, yes.
Then what do YOU do!!!!!??????
(This statement was loaded with so much vitriol and a mosh pit of other hateful sentiments (anger, resentment, envy, disgust, indignation, disbelief, disapproval) that it sucked the air out of me. Then I sputtered..
I take care of the baby...and I teach yoga!
I quickly realized my response was absurd mostly because I did not need to defend my life or priorities to some twit on the playground that demonizes moms with maids. So after a deep breath I followed up with:
Listen, this is why we live here.
Still I fumed about the exchange the rest of the day. Who is this person? Why are women so mean to each other? Why are moms in particular so damn critical? This is a woman who I've met on several occasions on group playdates. She seemed warm and down to earth for the most part. She'd chosen to give up a high paying career in NYC to be a stay at home mom but obviously she had her doubts. Was she happy? I don't know but she's not the only american mom I've heard from that seems to pride herself on doing it all herself - without any help. The martyr syndrome. As if any time for oneself while raising a child is pure evil. What - you hire someone else to vacuum your living room so that you can exercise!? What kind of mother are you? Fifty plus years since Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique and women still form their identities through housework and childrearing. No wonder we're so unhappy.
4 comments:
You left something out -- take care of your daughter, teach yoga, AND you are a writer.
Although, as a professional writer, I am reminded of an old cartoon in the New Yorker. Shows two women standing at an open door, looking into a room where a man sits at a table with a typewriter and stack of paper.
One woman, presumably the man's wife, says to the other, "Well, writer is just another word for unemployed."
It's not good to let the bastards get you down ... or bitches, as the gender fits.
You're right - I purposely left that out because writing and taking time for any kind of creative pursuit - especially the nonpaying kind instead of washing the dishes is unthinkable to this type of person.
The best way I know to not let this stuff get me down is to get it down on paper.
WOW! The posting made me really think about my life. I do feel guilty not working full time. Its insane. It is true women do judge eachother much more critically then men judge men or men judge women.
I am much happier now that I am a mom. I would not return to singledom or exchange it for my baby. My son is precious to me. I am so grateful to have him in my life. I had 25 years of working in jobs I did not always like. I have a greater purpose being a mom and being happy. I am trying to figure out what is my passion.
It is unfortunate that other women are so critical of one another. I have definately met judgmental moms and some not so much. It sounds like the woman was envious of you! I see you and you are happy. We only have 2 hands and 1 heart-its impossible to do it all. I would rather have dirty laundry and left overs then give up my time with my child.
I love you,
Wendy
Wow! This hit home with me. I'm a stay at home mom in CA and there aren't too many of us anymore. At least not the kind that aren't wealthy! LOL
It makes me sad that there is still such a culture among Mom's to prove that their "work" matters. To some this means they have to do it all to have it matter. I wish more women would do what you do, Amber, and have her life work...for her. That's not selfish...it just makes good sense. Somehow in our culture "worthy" has gotten mixed up with "works REALLY REALLY REALLY hard" and it's sad.
Anyway, the woman who said this to you is just dealing with what all of us deal Mom's deal with...what is the right way to do this new role. And unfortunately, sometimes, when someone does it differently, we think it invalidates our way of doing. OR we have to invalidate their way so we don't feel so pissed off about our own choices or circumstances. :( Keep doing what you do, Amber. If enough of us create balanced, happy lives as Mom's then perhaps the tide will turn and being happy and having a balanced life will once again be cause for congratulations/celebration, not scorn. :-)
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